I'm alive

I'm alive and counting down to next week, but it's making my anxiety attacks worse.

I've been having anxiety attacks right before bed for years. You know the kind I mean - you lie down in bed, last thing in the day, and your brain starts going over things that happened during the day. Suddenly you are cringing at yourself inside. "Why in the HELL did I say that to *HER*? What possessed me to behave in such an odd way?! I wish I hadn't shouted at soandso. Am I doing the right thing by leading my scout troop in to do such and such?"

Ok, so maybe I'm the only crazy person who feels this way at bedtime, I really don't know. It makes it hard to fall asleep, though, so I have gotten into the habit of telling myself little stories at bedtime. I make a conscious effot to push all that anxiety into a little space at the back of my mind, and then I concentrate on my story. I should really write them down at some point, but for some reason, I can't remember them the next morning!

Anyway, the anxiety attacks have gotten worse. I still only have them at bedtime, and I still can push them to the back of my mind. But now I have anxiety DREAMS as well. I woke up one night this week after a dream in which I was upset because - get this - I yelled at my grandmother. I felt so guilty I sat down and cried (in the dream) and then my sister opened all my wedding presents. Ok, it was just a dream, but obviously I am juxtaposing all my anxiety from the day onto family members. In any case, Grandma, I'm really sorry I yelled at you!

I really need to work on controlling my anxiety. Somehow I doubt that waiting on my test results is the true problem. I have a feeling this is a genetic anxiety disorder that I need to learn to live with. I'm like my mother in so many other ways, it's not surprising that I am like her in this, too!

Nothing to see here, move along

I have SUCH a boring life. I do nothing but work, read and play video games, apparently. Yesterday I did all three.

At the moment I'm working on getting an addendum out, which means coordinating the efforts of the consultants and getting my changes drafted up. It's taking 100% of my time, though for some reason, my department head thinks I could do it in "the two hours from 5pm to 7pm, after you've worked your regular 8 hours." I don't know what he thinks I will work on in those 8 hours, since my direct supervisor seems not to understand my job. At least he's got my job title right now. That's right, he's no longer offering me a promotion to my own job. At least the addendum is something I already know how to do, and can take the reigns on without requesting any help from my boss. However, it's taken me 17 hours so far this week to get it to the point where it can be issued today. It needs to be ready by 8:30. I still have to work in the structural changes, so I'm going in to work at 7 this morning. I guess they are even further behind than I am.

After work, I gave a coworker a ride home, then played FFXI. Dragon and I farmed mistletoe for 3 hours. We made about 170k gil, and split it evenly. That more the doubles the amount of gil I had, although I think I'm probably still short for leveling sch and getting more gobbiebags. I wonder if I can squeeze in more farming in addition to baking a pumpkin pie tonight.

Our family has a potluck tradition at all major gatherings. For Thanksgiving, my personal contribution since graduation has been a can of cranberry sauce and turning my mother's can of Libby's into a pie. This year, I bought my own can of Libby's and plan to make my own crust, too. The last crust turned out pretty good, even if the filling wasn't.

WIR: First Test ... and I am thinking about rereading Terrier after, instead of Golden Compass. I'm bad, I know. I bet I'm probably avoiding that book for a reason. If only I could remember what it is.