I'm alive

I'm alive and counting down to next week, but it's making my anxiety attacks worse.

I've been having anxiety attacks right before bed for years. You know the kind I mean - you lie down in bed, last thing in the day, and your brain starts going over things that happened during the day. Suddenly you are cringing at yourself inside. "Why in the HELL did I say that to *HER*? What possessed me to behave in such an odd way?! I wish I hadn't shouted at soandso. Am I doing the right thing by leading my scout troop in to do such and such?"

Ok, so maybe I'm the only crazy person who feels this way at bedtime, I really don't know. It makes it hard to fall asleep, though, so I have gotten into the habit of telling myself little stories at bedtime. I make a conscious effot to push all that anxiety into a little space at the back of my mind, and then I concentrate on my story. I should really write them down at some point, but for some reason, I can't remember them the next morning!

Anyway, the anxiety attacks have gotten worse. I still only have them at bedtime, and I still can push them to the back of my mind. But now I have anxiety DREAMS as well. I woke up one night this week after a dream in which I was upset because - get this - I yelled at my grandmother. I felt so guilty I sat down and cried (in the dream) and then my sister opened all my wedding presents. Ok, it was just a dream, but obviously I am juxtaposing all my anxiety from the day onto family members. In any case, Grandma, I'm really sorry I yelled at you!

I really need to work on controlling my anxiety. Somehow I doubt that waiting on my test results is the true problem. I have a feeling this is a genetic anxiety disorder that I need to learn to live with. I'm like my mother in so many other ways, it's not surprising that I am like her in this, too!